To: Chad Johnson

Re: Ocho and Ocho

‘Cinco, man, where have you been my whole NFL season?

It took nine weeks but you finally came alive, in a game and in the media.

It was great how you predicted the Bengals will go 8-8. Heck, Coach Lewis challenged you to do it after the game in the locker room, when he gave you that “playing for ourselves” speech.

But you crack me up, man, and I love having you in the league. But, don’t forget, it was just one win.

To: Rex Grossman

Re: Ever notice how your name sounds like something Bart Simpson would say?

I have news for you: You do not have a beard.

I think you have to have a beard to be successful in Chicago. Look at Orton. He’s got a killer beard.

This is your big chance though. You could be trying out for a contract with Minnesota, Detroit, or San Francisco.

To: Brett Favre

Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re: Eh

Brett, I feel like I should let out a sigh of disappointment each time I say your name.

I saw that joke from a mile away. Heck, I was thinking about using it and then you said it.

You joked, at the post-game conference, that your one touchdown pass was not for your team. And then you laughed. I did too.

Is it just me, or have your post-game comments become more like a scene from The Comedy of Errors ? All this “win’s a win” stuff and the smirking.

I can tell you really enjoy this.

To: Tyler Thigpen

Re: Kansas City Wildcat!

Your touchdown catch was easily my favorite play from Sunday.

I just imagined you racing down the sideline hoping that receiver throws the ball close because you had to make that catch.

You went after that ball like a man that thinks he might lose his job.

To: DeAngelo Hall

Re: Second Thoughts?

If I can, just for a second, give you a piece of advice.

Don’t talk. Just play the game.

You’re the phrase “your mouth writes checks…” personified.

Never mind all that Deion talk and that time against Steve Smith.

You said you’d put your $70 million deal up as collateral against Vick getting in trouble again were he allowed back in the league.

That’s probably not such a good idea now. I heard Davis is going to cut you.

To: Mike Singletary

Re: How to get people’s attention

How can you be upset that your dropping trou’ routine wouldn’t get leaked to the media?

Man, If I’d been there, I’d have been on the text while it was happening.

To: John Deere

Re: Official Sponsor

Mr. Deere, I’ve got this idea for you.

I checked out your site, and you are not a sponsor or “the official tractor of…” with the NFL.

This is a great opportunity. That John Deere gator takes so many players off the field. Think of the names you’ve carried away: Tom Brady and really any star player that’s seriously injured in a game.

It’s like a 360 degree endorsement. You’re working with the NFL, and the biggest names in the game are endorsing you by riding in the back like a bale of straw.

To: Vince Wilfork

Re: Evidence

Your wife produced a video for Goodell that showed you did not use unnecessary roughness. That video kept you playing.

The Pats film team came through in the clutch again!

To: Chris Berman

Re: Cand(i-?-yes-i-can)idates

You did a pretty good job with the two candidates on Monday night.

But McCain stole the show. His goofiness may have just lost him this election.

Quoting you with the “going, going…” bit and speaking of himself, as a young man, as a rebel without a cause.

For a split second, I just knew he was going to say “maverick without a cause.”

To: Byron Leftwich

Re: Immobilarity

I think you’re officially a “game manager.”

You didn’t do anything to lose the game Monday, and you actually made a play for a score. According to one of the TV guys, you’re a “solid backup.”

Well, I remember you in Atlanta last year, so I don’t know about that, but you did your job on Monday night.

What’s more impressive is that you were only sacked twice. We’ve seen how bad that line is, and we all know you’re the least mobile quarterback in the league.

To: Lane Kiffin

Re: Hate to say…

Man, I can almost hear you saying “I told you so…”